Dear Diary, Hi! I am finally back to you again. After all these times of strolling, looking for a better companion, I realized you are the one and only company I have ever needed. In fact, ever wanted.
People don't really understand the contradiction in me. The agony I face and the gratitude I own. I love everyone in my team but to manage the team with them, it is another thing. I don't feel like doing it and I don't like doing it at all. I wanna leave, I believe it is for my best, as well as theirs. Because I know we don't really get along with our different ways of doing things. I wanna leave so badly but I couldn't because they are short of one player right now! Being a person who owes them so much, what will it make me if I walk away right now? What will I be like if I shut them off leaving all the troubles behind?
Yes, I whine! I have my own problems too! My double major is facing an end because of my carelessness. And my body can't afford doing another heavy sports anymore! I have my own things to worry about! And I am all alone! And I often feel hatred to the team recently. It is no longer like it used to be! I am so eager to leave that place and live my own happy life.
I am sick of playing deary and okay when I am not. I am sick of pretending nothing bad is going on between me and them(though I love them). And mother says to quit the team because of all these but I just couldn't open my mouth. How to say the thing out? I am tired, I wanna stop, I wanna stop acting like you guys do, I wanna stop putting my health on the edge just because of one stupid so-called dream. Everything that happens in this team makes me sick, yet I love the people in it. Damn I hate myself so much for being so sentimental.
Dear Diary, wish you could tell me what to do. Wish I can have the courage to solve this problem in a way that no one gets hurts or angry. I love myself. I wanna live my own life. I don't want to keep worrying about the same thing anymore.
Maybe it's time to let go. I've got to let go. Because I am just not that kind of person who is all strong mentally and physically to withstand all these. I mean, I am strong, but maybe just not in this way. Physical topic is always a deadly topic to me.
Buck up and be yourself. Be more steady this time. You have no one to please but yourself.
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