Dear Diary 2: Still the same problem

Dear diary, why I can't even quit the team? I mean... why care? Why bother how many people left or how will the team become once I leave... Wouldn't it be so much easier if I don't care anymore? Seriously wish I can have a switch to flip my humanity off. Right now!!!

Why must there always be a plot twist? Just when I thought I can leave once and for all, the damn interdepartmental cup stops me from doing so! Why must we take part in order to guarantee we can have the chance to draw for the court next year? Why create such law? Why they never thought of things like... we can't participate because our members are so few? Too few that we can't even form a proper team.

Furthermore, our hearts are not linked together. None of us. I think everybody is just tired of holding on to a fake dream, where we can still achieve our goals if we hang on to faith and determination. Seriously, FUCK the determination!!! FUCK all the so called hard work done to keep us together. We are NOT a team, why force us to be one?

Dear diary, I am feeling so stressed I don't even know how or to whom I can talk to. Guilt and troubles are overwhelming, I feel like I can't even breathe anymore.

No! No more talk about people and love and relation and whatsoever that links me to this place. I am so gonna leave, leave everything behind me!

After all, we are not seeing each other ever again! I AM GOING TO UNFRIEND EVERY ONE OF THEM ONCE ALL THESE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Diary 1:I am back

Dear Diary, Hi! I am finally back to you again. After all these times of strolling, looking for a better companion, I realized you are the one and only company I have ever needed. In fact, ever wanted.

People don't really understand the contradiction in me. The agony I face and the gratitude I own. I love everyone in my team but to manage the team with them, it is another thing. I don't feel like doing it and I don't like doing it at all. I wanna leave, I believe it is for my best, as well as theirs. Because I know we don't really get along with our different ways of doing things. I wanna leave so badly but I couldn't because they are short of one player right now! Being a person who owes  them so much, what will it make me if I walk away right now? What will I be like if I shut them off leaving all the troubles behind?

Yes, I whine! I have my own problems too! My double major is facing an end because of my carelessness. And my body can't afford doing another heavy sports anymore! I have my own things to worry about! And I am all alone! And I often feel hatred to the team recently. It is no longer like it used to be! I am so eager to leave that place and live my own happy life.

I am sick of playing deary and okay when I am not. I am sick of pretending nothing bad is going on between me and them(though I love them). And mother says to quit the team because of all these but I just couldn't open my mouth. How to say the thing out? I am tired, I wanna stop, I wanna stop acting like you guys do, I wanna stop putting my health on the edge just because of one stupid so-called dream. Everything that happens in this team makes me sick, yet I love the people in it. Damn I hate myself so much for being so sentimental.

Dear Diary, wish you could tell me what to do. Wish I can have the courage to solve this problem in a way that no one gets hurts or angry. I love myself. I wanna live my own life. I don't want to keep worrying about the same thing anymore.

Maybe it's time to let go. I've got to let go. Because I am just not that kind of person who is all strong mentally and physically to withstand all these. I mean, I am strong, but maybe just not in this way. Physical topic is always a deadly topic to me.

Buck up and be yourself. Be more steady this time. You have no one to please but yourself.

我不是每件事都可隨便的，我也有自己堅持的方向

人生嘛～有起有落～

也許有些事情還未盡力，
也許有些事情盡力了也無法完成。

偶爾做得到的時候就開心拍手，
做不到的時候也就只能垂頭沮喪。

比較悲哀的是，
做不到的時候比較多。

當沮喪的時間變長了，
信心也跟著變少了；
當信心消退了，
動作也越做越不好了。

這是一種接連的影響無誤 xD

面對重要的關卡，
選擇最好最適合的去迎戰，
是很自然的。

而自然是對的。

讓一切就這樣自然發展下去，
事情會好辦多順利多。

尤其是對不想失去的勝利。

然而順利發展，
永遠都是屬於強者的文字。

但那些弱小的傢伙呢？
強度一般，
迎戰只會被批評為老鼠屎的那一小群，
在自然的發展中岂會順利？

我非強者，
亦有自知之明，
若不是後浪的前進，
或許我今天連我都不是。

然有些辛酸並不因為被超前才產生，
心酸的是無法成為推動浪潮的那股海風。

一個人，
沒辦法，
也只能這樣默默地存在著；
似乎不被需要卻仍堅持殘喘地停滯不變，
為的是什麼？
不就是一股傻勁兒嗎？

雖然也有開心的時候，
但有些壓力，
來的可不是一般的小，
需要的，
是要負起不止自己責任的肩啊！

不過，
人生嘛～
有起有落！

開心也好，
不開心也罷。

這時間可不是一般的晚啊！
好好睡個覺兒吧～

明天且再殘喘！