感想

不知道該不該這樣說。

可是個人覺得這裡真的就是這麼一個地方。
網路上流行什麼說法，大家就堅持什麼說法。
萬一有個持相反意見的人跳出來說話，就要被群眾集體言語攻擊甚至凌辱。

在這個地方，
有想法的人心臟真的要夠強，或嘴巴要夠緊。
不然就準備被灞陵，或只能見風使舵了。

Dear Diary 2: Still the same problem

Dear diary, why I can't even quit the team? I mean... why care? Why bother how many people left or how will the team become once I leave... Wouldn't it be so much easier if I don't care anymore? Seriously wish I can have a switch to flip my humanity off. Right now!!!

Why must there always be a plot twist? Just when I thought I can leave once and for all, the damn interdepartmental cup stops me from doing so! Why must we take part in order to guarantee we can have the chance to draw for the court next year? Why create such law? Why they never thought of things like... we can't participate because our members are so few? Too few that we can't even form a proper team.

Furthermore, our hearts are not linked together. None of us. I think everybody is just tired of holding on to a fake dream, where we can still achieve our goals if we hang on to faith and determination. Seriously, FUCK the determination!!! FUCK all the so called hard work done to keep us together. We are NOT a team, why force us to be one?

Dear diary, I am feeling so stressed I don't even know how or to whom I can talk to. Guilt and troubles are overwhelming, I feel like I can't even breathe anymore.

No! No more talk about people and love and relation and whatsoever that links me to this place. I am so gonna leave, leave everything behind me!

After all, we are not seeing each other ever again! I AM GOING TO UNFRIEND EVERY ONE OF THEM ONCE ALL THESE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Diary 1:I am back

Dear Diary, Hi! I am finally back to you again. After all these times of strolling, looking for a better companion, I realized you are the one and only company I have ever needed. In fact, ever wanted.

People don't really understand the contradiction in me. The agony I face and the gratitude I own. I love everyone in my team but to manage the team with them, it is another thing. I don't feel like doing it and I don't like doing it at all. I wanna leave, I believe it is for my best, as well as theirs. Because I know we don't really get along with our different ways of doing things. I wanna leave so badly but I couldn't because they are short of one player right now! Being a person who owes  them so much, what will it make me if I walk away right now? What will I be like if I shut them off leaving all the troubles behind?

Yes, I whine! I have my own problems too! My double major is facing an end because of my carelessness. And my body can't afford doing another heavy sports anymore! I have my own things to worry about! And I am all alone! And I often feel hatred to the team recently. It is no longer like it used to be! I am so eager to leave that place and live my own happy life.

I am sick of playing deary and okay when I am not. I am sick of pretending nothing bad is going on between me and them(though I love them). And mother says to quit the team because of all these but I just couldn't open my mouth. How to say the thing out? I am tired, I wanna stop, I wanna stop acting like you guys do, I wanna stop putting my health on the edge just because of one stupid so-called dream. Everything that happens in this team makes me sick, yet I love the people in it. Damn I hate myself so much for being so sentimental.

Dear Diary, wish you could tell me what to do. Wish I can have the courage to solve this problem in a way that no one gets hurts or angry. I love myself. I wanna live my own life. I don't want to keep worrying about the same thing anymore.

Maybe it's time to let go. I've got to let go. Because I am just not that kind of person who is all strong mentally and physically to withstand all these. I mean, I am strong, but maybe just not in this way. Physical topic is always a deadly topic to me.

Buck up and be yourself. Be more steady this time. You have no one to please but yourself.